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Science Fiction Porn Parodies We’d Like To See

PORNSTARS

Science Fiction Porn Parodies We'd Like To SeeFor most people, summer means action-packed sci-fi/fantasy blockbusters, but for us skin mongers, summer brings a lot of sci-fi/fantasy porn parodies. Since "X-Men: First Class" just hit theaters and "This Ain't Ghostbusters XXX" recently showed up in our mailbox, we started thinking about all the SF we'd love to see with smut-colored glasses.

There have been some science fiction porn parodies that we've loved, some that we haven't, and some we've avoided entirely, so while we're not exactly authorities on what should and should not be pornified, we do have some observations. Hands down, porn parodies are best made by the people who are intimately familiar with the original material. For example, if you give something like "Tron" to Lee Roy Myers, his pure fanboy mentality will take over and hit all of the necessary cultural touchstones that make a porn parody successful (see: "Pron").

While this isn't an exhaustive list of what we'd like to see (and we apologize for leaving a "Dr. Who" porn parody off this post; it's simply too huge of a project to even begin imagining), it's a start. If anybody out there would like to start working on these films, we may have a few scripts lying around to supply you with. Yes, that's what we do with our free time.

Science Fiction Porn Parodies We'd Like To SeeStar Trek: Voyager
We know this is a problematic request. For one, there's already been a few "Star Trek" parodies in the last year. Second, "Voyager" isn't the most popular "Star Trek" series. Third, "Deep Space 9" lends itself to some pretty funny puns that—because Lux is sitting next to me, naming them—we must display: "Deep Space 69" and "Deep Throat 9" are the best, but even "Deep Face 9" has a certain charm.

But "Star Trek: Voyager" has so much going for it! And so many females! More to the point, it has Jeri Ryan playing Annika Hansen, the liberated Borg better known as Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01. She is too damn hot to ignore, and the fact that there hasn't been a porn parody with her is a shame. Ryan showed up in the fourth season of "Voyager," rocked a one-piece bodysuit harder than Catwoman ever could, and boosted viewership by 60%. Interesting fact: in 1997, producer Jeri Taylor proposed to make Seven of Nine a lesbian but was overruled by her superiors. You know who wouldn't overrule a proposition like that? The adult entertainment community (and whoever penned this odd definition for Captain Janeway found on Urban Dictionary).

But even if you'd rather keep the "Voyager" parody in line with canon, we're down for anything. Give us the chance to see Seven "rediscover her humanity" with Commander Chakotay and we will give you our cash. No joke.

[Possible Seven of Nine stand-in: Jesse Jane (sheispornstar.com)]
Science Fiction Porn Parodies We'd Like To SeeSeaQuest DSV
You might remember "seaQuest DSV" because of its talking dolphin. However, we're not interested in the dolphin outside of its ability to color the porn parody with snarky commentary. We're mining "seaQuest DSV" because of the simple fact that it involves a freshly divorced couple living and working together in a high-tech submarine on the ocean floor. Bam: sexual tension.

And even though that storyline didn't continue after the first season, there's still much to work with in following season two and three: genetic engineering, aliens, parapsychology, time-travel, various freaky entities such as killer plants, a dragon worm, a prehistoric crocodile, and international undersea politics. We say someone ought to smash every season together and have some prehistoric alien plants to spark Lieutenant Benjamin Krieg's jealousy when its leafy fronds get a little fresh with Lieutenant Commander Katherine Hitchcock.

Also, we'd like to point out that Stacy Haiduk, who played Lieutenant Hitchcock, had some steamy nude scenes in 1990's "Luther the Geek." You may watch a shower scene here if you'd like.

[We're on a "Quest" to "sea" Kayden Kross (girls.twistys.com)]
Science Fiction Porn Parodies We'd Like To SeeFirefly
Don't fault us for choosing this space opera above shows like "Battlestar Galactica," "Lexx," and "Stargate," because we "Firefly" is every bit as sexy as it is a space western written by Joss Whedon. And yes, if you haven't seen "Firefly," it's a space western written by Joss Whedon.

There's so much pre-existing eroticism in this show that it'd be pointless to invent any new hook-ups with a parody. First, there's the married interracial couple, Zoe and Wash, who are equal parts flirty and fierce. However, Wash sometimes exhibits jealousy over the war buddy relationship that Zoe shares with Mal, the bravado-drenched captain of Serenity. However, Mal is in love with Inara, the Companion (er, the high-class, socially adept, adored by everyone, completely legal prostitute) living aboard his ship. Oh, and then there's the mutual attraction between Kaylee and Simon that comes to a head in the movie "Serenity."

If you want, you could throw something in about sublimating River Tam's hyperaggression with sex, but it'd be unnecessary.

[Gina Torres normally plays Zoe Washburne, but we think Marie Luv is badass enough for this parody (galleries.private.com)]
Science Fiction Porn Parodies We'd Like To See3rd Rock from the Sun
We're also interested in successful sci-fi comedies! "3rd Rock" was an incredibly fun show, and we think it is (maybe was) ripe for the pornifying. The most obvious babe on the block is Sally Solomon, an alien military officer who initially finds her Earth female form displeasing. Soon, she discovers that she likes it. Very soon after, she discovers that other people like it. Although her most successful relationship was with Officer Don Orville (played by Wayne Knight, better known as Newman from "Seinfeld"), we'd be happy to have her sleep with anyone and everyone. Heck, maybe she can teach a freshly legal Tommy Solomon about female anatomy! It's not like they're related; they're not even human.

We can't forget about Mary Albright, the MILFy professor of anthropology and High Commander Dick's private obsession. Science fiction tends to like its women young and somewhat frail, but Jane Curtin played Mary with strength, goofiness, and a good dose of sexy zazz. When we think about what makes a successful cougar, we often think of this character.

If you're not interested in playing with age dynamics, who cares? There was a lot of romance on "3rd Rock from the Sun," and if a hot thing like Cindy Crawford was willing to guest star and sex up the joint as a Venusian, then porn makers should be able to work with this show.

And if that doesn't interest Hustler, New Sensations, or anyone else, remember that "3rd Rock" had a 3D episode that's about as cheesy as any 3D porn we've ever seen.

[We vote Julia Ann for the new Sally Solomon (aziani.com)]
Science Fiction Porn Parodies We'd Like To SeeDune
Let's take a brief look at some movies we'd like pushed through the porn grinder, shall we? First up is David Lynch's 1984 adaptation of Frank Herbert's "Dune." You might not see the sexiness in source material like this, but we certainly do. One of the pivotal plot points revolves around the "Kwisatz Haderach," a messiah figure sought by the brilliant matriarchy of the Bene Gesserit. Although this savior is a man, he must undergo a dangerous ritual that only women are capable of, thus giving him the ability to peer within his masculine and feminine genetic ancestry.

Mainstream porn might not want to play up the gender bending qualities of "Dune," but we do! And besides that facet, there's still much to work with. For example, there's a point in the film when our hero, Paul, and his mother, Lady Jessica, are tied up and taken capture by two evil thugs. Jessica combines her raw beauty with the psychological training of the Bene Gesserit to seduce her captors and make them fight each other to the death. That's halfway pornographic as it is! We wonder if David Lynch would ever consider directing parody porn...

[Lady Jessica was played by Francesca Annis, but we think Ava Rose has the dark and mysterious vibe necessary for the job (promo.stunners.com)]
Science Fiction Porn Parodies We'd Like To SeeBlade Runner
The fact that "pleasure model" has become an everyday phrase points to the fact that "Blade Runner" is brimming with sex. To say that women are objectified in this movie is an understatement—they are all replicants. We know the movie is rich with questions of humanity and What It Really Means To Be Alive, but the fact is that the Tyrell Corporation crafted these androids to be breathtakingly beautiful. Anyway, we're getting off track. This movie has Darryl Hannah as the deadly, beautiful, misunderstood pleasure model replicant, as well as a topless Joanna Cassidy dancing with a snake.

More than anything, we'd like to see Rachael get freaky with Decker, not just because Sean Young was absolutely gorgeous in this movie, but because the way her dead pan expression seems to melt to a less reserved, more human face as she learns that she's a replicant. (Fine acting is as arousing as anything else.)

A porn parody of "Blade Runner" would need an enormous budget to look anything like the original, but if you take out the number of external shots and give us more time with the pleasure models, we think it could work out fine.

[And we think Sean Young's expressions would be best captured by Zoe Voss (galleries.teamskeet.com)]