Fleshbot: Wtf

The Wall Street banking industry may have ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 11:30:00 EDT

The Wall Street banking industry may have collapsed in a heap of soiled derivatives, but that won't stop folks from indulging in the little things that make life bearable—like $1,000 lap dances. Gotta keep those economic "fundamentals" strong, you know. (amny.com; thumb via Reality Kings via Ask Jolene)

Cum Omlettes: A Tasty New Way To Get Your Protein

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:00:24 EDT

After the ten thousandth time you've swallowed someone's freshly shot load, the taste of cum can start to seem a little, well, boring. Day after day, blowjob after blowjob, the same thing over and over — it's only natural that one would want to get a little experimental and spice things up. Sure, you can always turn to the basic staples of cum condiments, mixing a little chocolate syrup or ice cream into your bedroom activities, but why not try something really different? Why not make a cum omlette (or, if you want to be all correct in your spelling, an omelette)? Sure, the logistics of collecting enough cum to fill a frying pan and actually cooking the omlette might be a little more work than you're used to — but when you're sitting down to a ~~delicious~~ breakfast of a fresh cum omlette, all that work will be worth it. Want to make a meal of it? Pair your cum omlette with an ass smoothie for a nutritionally balanced breakfast your mom would be proud of.

· Cum Omlette (cumomlette.com)
· Thumbnail star via Ask Jolene

A man in Florida who was denied sex by his ...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 11:30:54 EDT

A man in Florida who was denied sex by his girlfriend responded the way any reasonable person would—he grabbed a gun ... and shot himself in the arm. ~~Love~~ Being horny makes you do the craziest things, huh? (thesmokinggun.com; babes with guns via)

Testicles: It's What's For Dinner

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 10:10:13 EDT

We're used to receiving a lot of strange emails, but even we did a double take when we saw the subject "world's first testicle cookbook - aphrodisiac" pop up in our inbox. Yet amazingly enough, the email was for real: Ljubomir Erovic, a Serbian gourmet, has partnered with an online publisher to offer up the world's first testicle cookbook as a multimedia ebook — complete with exciting videos demonstrating proper testicle preparation (and not the kind that Gianna Michaels is known for). And not only are testicles a delicacy (not to mention a delicious pizza topping!); as a testosterone rich food, they're also good for getting "in the mood". Provided you can get over the awkwardness of offering your loved one a delicious slice of testicle pie.

· The Testicle Cookbook - Cooking With Balls (book info @ yudu.com)

The U.S. State Department is advising Americans ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 10:03:23 EDT

The U.S. State Department is advising Americans to avoid Bulgarian strip clubs due to recent turf war violence between rival gangs. So, you know ... that dream vacation package to the strip clubs of Bulgaria is probably going to have to wait. Shucks! (xbiz.com)

A Florida teenager was allegedly attacked ...

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:05:42 EDT

A Florida teenager was allegedly attacked and robbed by four topless women, who left him $100 poorer. We're not sure what he's complaining about—there are people who pay a hell of a lot more for that kind of treatment. (ananova.com; thumbnail star Karen via Ask Jolene)

Hustler Humor Hustles For Laughs

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 10:00:00 EDT

Hustler magazine has always been known for subtlety and intellectual rigor, but there are times when even when a stuffy porn mag wants to let its hair down a little. That's how you end up with a paper spinoff like "Hustler Humor," which is sort of the like Playboy Jokes page turned up to 11 in color. Sadly, we don't have copies of the actual magazine, but if this gallery of historical covers is any indication, it retained the dry wit and tasteful sensibility of the parent magazine—with a steady diet of vibrator jokes, angry middle fingers, and overt racism. Fun for the whole family!

We don't believe that this magazine is published anymore—which is too bad, because fart jokes that involve actual farts and Ronald Reagan zingers never really get old. Plus, we haven't seen a good "flasher" joke since our Mad magazine subscription ran out years ago.

· Hustler Humor Covers 1980 to 1998 (xpozio.com)

Vice Makes Sex More Interesting Than It Really Is

Jonnobot — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 12:55:19 EDT

If you were an alien being who landed on Earth and somehow ended up learning everything about human sexual behavior from the clips currently on view as part of VBS.tv's Sex Week programming, you might beam back to your home planet with the impression that earthlings only got their kicks from boinking other species like eels and donkeys, plastic dolls, and occasionally each other—but only in hot tubs or during giant rave orgies in resorts on the Black Sea. Then again, those same aliens might have gotten the same impressions from tuning into Fleshbot over the years. And either way, it's a lot better than learning about the way sex works from "Gossip Girl" broadcasts. Those aliens would really think we were hopeless.

• Sex Week on VBS.tv: Genki & The Art of Eel Porn, Bangkok Lady Boys, Ghetto Doll Brothel, Asses Of The Caribbean et al. (videos @ vbs.tv)

Raven Riley Is Trying To Sell Us Something

Jonnobot — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 12:15:56 EDT

And speaking of creative experiments in porn-related advertising today ... well, we're not exactly sure what Raven Riley is trying to advertise in this curious collection of clips on view at RavenRiley.tv. See, the site tells us that they're simply videos in which Raven talks about some of her favorite products, and in that regard we guess she does a decent job of telling us why she thinks things like Sun Chips, Oil Of Olay, and Lipton Pasta are so great (though we have to admit it'll take a lot more to convince us about Lipton Pasta). On the other hand, it sure is an odd way to sell memberships to one's adult website, if in fact that's what this project is trying to do—esecially since Raven keeps all (or most) of her clothes on throughout. Since we couldn't stop clicking until we had watched all of the nearly two dozen spots, however, we guess her pitches are pretty effective at least where strengthening Raven's own brand is concerned. Is this what marketing types mean when they talk about advertising that's "sticky"?

• RavenRiley.tv (ravenriley.tv - thanks Matthew)

Sarah Palin is the subject of yet another ...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 11:05:26 EDT

Sarah Palin is the subject of yet another bit of artistic whimsy—a nude portrait currently hanging in a North Side Chicago bar. Who says the (potential) Vice President can't inspire people? (windycitizen.com + Flickr)

Naked Clown Calendar Is Like A Pie In The Face

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 12:20:09 EDT

We've long expressed concerns that the cottage industry of naked fundraising calendars had gotten a bit out of hand. Now we see that this international nightmare has reached its logical but frightening conclusion: naked clowns. The students of San Francisco's Clown Conservatory Class (yes, it's a real place) have put together a nude 2009 calendar to raise money for multiple sclerosis research. We like naked calendars and, sure, we appreciate a good clown porn setup. And we can certainly support such a worthy cause. But somehow naked clown students with facepaint intact has reignited our childhood fear of the circus. Maybe some naked juggling would help calm us down?

· The Naked Clown Calendar (nakedclowncalendar.com)
· "Naked clown calendar — now that's scary" (contracostatimes.com)

Name Your Wang And Show You Care

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 09:56:04 EDT

If you're like a lot of dudes out there—or ladies with a particular dude that they've become, uh ... attached to—you may have at one point bestowed a cute moniker on the special little friend who lives below your waist. You also probably spent a lot of time thinking about that name and we bet you're super proud of it. So proud that you probably wish you could tell the whole wide world! So why not register your handiwork at Name Your Wang, so that you can personally claim your unique schlong nomenclature for all eternity? Act quickly and you could become the only person in the world who spent $14.95 on a piece of paper that says your dick should now be referred to as "The Octagon."

· Name Your Wang (nameyourwang.com, via BuzzFeed)
· Penis Name Generator (blogthings.com)

Today's tabloids have become so dirty and ...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 11:40:43 EDT

Today's tabloids have become so dirty and exploitative—not like the good old days of responsible celebrity journalism. It's a little something called "class," people. Look it up! (more sex and weirdness @ Flickr, via sex-and-blogs.com)

Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Curvy Lover Stroker

Gram Ponante — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:45:04 EDT

Fleshbot's pixel restrictions prevent me showing this device to you as it looked attached like a naughty koala to the better part of my person. But if you've ever imagined shrinking an enemy and then fucking it like some cultural exchange between certain native tribes and the Porn Valley Chamber of Commerce, then the Curvy Woman Stroker is for you!

When I removed this device from its packaging (in addition to an overstock porn DVD that I could have chosen to watch [and this is entirely another story but I remember a time when a single unit of porn material would last from freshman through senior year, so to discount the usefulness of a six-scene DVD that never dims the way the Phoebe Cates scene did on that rental VHS of "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"...]) I was at first reminded of Ron Perlman's misshapen monk character in "The Name of the Rose."

"Penitenziagite," I said.

Because the Curvy Woman Stroker does not really resemble a curvy woman in the porn sense, as you can see, but instead kind of looks like the zombie trunk of a pregnant woman or beer drinker, or pregnant beer drinker.

But all these mixed media messages, especially when beer is involved and nothing else on the horizon, might inspire the average consumer to say "Fuck it."

And that's where they've got you.

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

It's back to school time in Japan, and you ...

Jonnobot — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 12:05:04 EDT

It's back to school time in Japan, and you know what that means: time to head back to class and resume your studies about all those advanced ass lubing techniques you began last semester. If all our lab demonstrations were like this when we were in school, we wouldn't have felt so bad about summer ending every year. (pornhost.com, via Your Dirty Mind)

Hypochondriacs should be aware of latest ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 09:24:39 EDT

Hypochondriacs should be aware of latest health scare that could destroy your life—orgasm-induced stroke. It actually happened to a 35-year-old woman in Illinois ... and it could happen to you! So have fun on your date tonight! (cbsnews.com; thumb via, via)

Mmm, Melon Ballers

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 16:20:38 EDT

Adding food to your lovemaking session is a pretty standard way to spice up your bedroom activities, but some foods work better than others. Honey, chocolate sauce, strawberries, and even ice cubes are all classic sexy treats. Watermelon, however, generally isn't. We're not saying they can't work, just that they're very heavy to carry aroun—and spitting all those seeds everywhere isn't our idea of hot (though we're sure it's someone else's). On the other hand, stopping mid-coitus to answer interview questions from a goofy-hatted reporter doesn't excite us eithe. But there's no accounting for taste.

. . .

· "Couple play with watermelon then fuck" (PornHub)

"Interracial Booty Patrol 5": When Too Much Passion Is Not Enough

Gram Ponante — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:05:05 EDT

Regular readers of this web endeavor know that the porn industry isn't all glamor and dazzle. In fact, some people get downright bored when getting downright bored. But that doesn't mean you have to choose that image for your box cover.

The face "Interracial Booty Patrol 5" presents to the world features a woman named Envy who is photographed as one part of her watches her little brother playing Rock Band 2 and the other part ... well, see what happens after the gap.

. . .

I mean, at the very least you'd expect her to balance a bowl of chips on her back for the poor guy.

· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy "Interracial Booty Patrol 5" (jadedvideo.com)

It doesn't take a Harvard grad to know that ...

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 09:35:28 EDT

It doesn't take a Harvard grad to know that if you're writing an article about the launch of a new online nudie magazine, you should probably include a link or URL so that people can actually find it—because apparently they don't teach that at Harvard. It seems they also don't teach how to launch a nudie magazine that will show up in Google or have more than one naked model. State school is looking pretty good right now. (thecrimson.com)

Robotic Sex Chair Lets The Fucking Come To You

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 11:55:04 EDT

Do you like to have sex, but don't like all that pesky thrusting? Do you desperately want to fuck, but don't really want to exert any effort whatsoever? Once again, science has your back! (And your butt and a lot of other parts.) This Japanese (what else?) contraption takes all the hard work out of sex by using motorized cushions and seat backs to mimic all the movement of a normal sex rom while you lie back and enjoy the ride. If you're injured, out of energy, or just plain lazy, this is the perfect solution to getting off without breaking a sweat. Of course, you'll have the install damn thing in your bedroom, but you can probably pay someone to do that. Check out the demonstration video after the jump.

. . .

· "hump chair" (random-good-stuff.com)

Rocco Siffredi, "Animal Trainer"

Gram Ponante — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:20:50 EDT

With the amount of porn sent to me (for free!) every week, I have come to appreciate any non-standard scene setups. There are only so many times, for example, I can watch Darryl Hanah absently masturbating on a couch as a cock enters from the left of frame before I ... well, watch a hundred more scenes just like it. Thank the Intelligent Designer that Gawker pays me so handsomely!

See how Rocco Siffredi upends our sensibilities after the gap. (Just don't mention the title to PETA.)

. . .

The opening of European star Rocco Siffredi's "Animal Trainer 24" finds an artist painting two mesh-clad models, one adventurous, one overcome with Euro-ennui, as some homunculus emerges from a nearby stream and begins posing with them. If the whole continent hadn't been ruined for me by "The Final Countdown," I'd be on a plane there right now.

Eventually the painter gets in on the action, too, as the narrative demands.

The next scene joins the previous one in dispelling the myth that European porn actresses lack affect. The game Caty says, in English broken just the right way, that she "like to be this way." She is slapped around with a penis as the narrative demands.

In the next scene, an artist colony setting, Siffredi surprises two nymphs spying on one of his muses. "Are you scared?" he says to one of them, holding out a ball gag. "You know what's that." Another man joins in.

"It's too much!" says the muse.

"It's not too much," replies Siffredi.

Siffredi's performers dive into each other like a bowl of spaghetti. They slap, they spit, they fall over themselves to get at each other. While the camera never seems to pan out far enough or stay anywhere long enough to provide the flesh landscapes Americans enjoy, what Rocco's movies do is paint a picture of a place in which everyone and his brother - as well as a sea monster - get in on the action.

· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Buy "Rocco: Animal Trainer 24" (tlavideo.com)

Sweded Porn: Be Kind, Rewind, And Undress

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 11:05:30 EDT

Anyone who saw the Jack Black/Mos Def/Michel Gondry film "Be Kind Rewind" earlier this year already understands the joy of being "Sweded." If you didn't see it—well, it's a bit complicated, but basically a Sweded film is an amateur remake of a classic movie using homemade props and your friends as actors, which is how the main characters in "Be Kind" save their small town video store from greedy land developers. (It made more sense at the time.) The marketing department at video sharing site Shufuni must have seen it too, because now they're asking users to make their own Sweded movies—but with nudity and sex, of course. And they're offering prizes to the best interpretations.

It's sort of like what "Pirates II" would be to "Pirates of the Caribbean," if the porn version didn't have a bigger budget. Just like that blockbuster, no one has actually finished one for Shufuni yet, but we predict that this will be the greatest creative advance in the history of porn ... or a colossal internet disaster. Either way, it should be fun to watch.

. . .

· Sweded Nude Movie Competition (shufuni.com)
· Shufuni.com Offers $40,000 in Cash Prizes for the First Ever Sweded Nude Video Competition (avn.com)
· Be Kind Rewind (imdb.com)
· Ghostbusters (Sweded) (YouTube)

Talk about a rough vacation: all the guests ...

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:40:00 EDT

Talk about a rough vacation: all the guests get food poisoning in the hotel restaurant, a family is accused of stealing towels when they try to check out, then security guards shoot a teenage girl in the face with a stun gun, leading to an all-out brawl by the front desk. On the bright side, the whole family did get to see the porn movie being filmed in the hotel lobby. See, Bulgaria isn't so bad! (sundaymail.co.uk; thumb via orgymax.com, via askjolene.com)

"Number One Plus" is a water-based lubricant ...

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 09:30:00 EDT

"Number One Plus" is a water-based lubricant that was designed and produced for sex workers in Cambodia. It's cheap, effective ... and it also cures acne! So you know ... go ahead and get your face right in there. (telegraph.co.uk, via sex-and-blogs.com)

Great Moments In Acting History

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 10:15:38 EDT

How did Christopher Plummer's syphilis scare turn William Shatner into a movie star? Just think—if Captain Von Trap doesn't hurt himself shacking up with a one-night stand, T.J. Hooker might not have been! So that guy has a lot to answer for. (imdb.com)

An Australian preacher has a very good reason ...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 09:57:16 EDT

An Australian preacher has a very good reason for pretending he had cancer and lying about it to his own parishioners for over two years—he was addicted to porn, of course! Pornography: Is there anything we can't blame on it? (news.com.au)

Not content with LOLcats—or LOLporn, ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:35:10 EDT

Not content with LOLcats—or LOLporn, for that matter—the folks at "I Can Has Cheezburger" have launched a funny Engrish site and what do you know ... pretty much all Japanese-to-English translations end up sounding hilariously filthy. Yes, that sign is offering cunt examinations. And yes, we are easily amused. (engrishfunny.com)

Believe it or not, this is not an ad for ...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 09:57:33 EDT

Believe it or not, this is not an ad for body wash or condoms ... although we guess rubber wet suits are kind of like condoms. Not that anyone would wear one in the ad, of course. (sex-happy.blogspot.com)

Tiddy Bear Saves Your Life And Hugs Your Titties!

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:55:20 EDT

We just stumbled upon this clever Saturday Night Live-style commercial spoof on YouTube and it is hilarious! Just the idea that someone would spend $14.95 to solve the deadly problem of seat belt irritation is pretty funny, but the way they mock those pseudo-subliminal infomercial sales pitches is just perfect! Having the announcer say "Tiddy Bear" over and over again as women in low-cut tank tops press a plush toy firmly between their breasts sure is an hysterical take on goofy, ill-conceived advertising! Click the thumbnail and check out the video below—they really nailed this one!

. . .

(What's that? This video isn't a spoof? The Tiddy Bear exists and you can actually buy it? Oh, uh ... never mind.)

· Tiddy Bear (tiddybearcomfortstrap.com, via buzzfeed.com)

Ernest Borgnine is 91 years old, but he has ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 12:50:38 EDT

Ernest Borgnine is 91 years old, but he has a very simple secret for his longevity: Jerking off, and lots of it. Thankfully, he decided to share this tidbit with a live national TV audience. So is that what "The Dirty Dozen" was about? (video @ bestweekever.tv)

Japanese Porn Covers Reveal The Fetishes That Cannot Be Spoken

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:30:30 EDT

A big part of what gives Japanese porn its WTF factor is that most native English speakers can't even being to translate the language. It's a thin line between a simple schoolgirl fantasy and an unintelligible cosplay orgy, and a few hours at your local karaoke bar won't be enough education to clue you in. So while this blog we've stumbled across seems to be a simple catalog of DVD releases complete with front and back cover art and screenshots, it won't take you long to feel like you're in over your head at some insane Tokyo fetish club. Then again, something like this would be confusing in pretty much any dialect.

· Japanese Porn DVDs (obscenely.blog121.fc2.com, via Otomano)

From the comments: A man in Colorado has ...

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 10:12:00 EDT

From the comments: A man in Colorado has been trying to scam free porn by claiming to be from the police department's "age verification unit" and demanding that a local sex shop give him DVDs to inspect. (They didn't fall for it.) Maybe he should go back to his day job at the FBI. (yahoo.com + choiceshirts.com, thanks to BigRedOne)

Germans are apparently complaining that they ...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:25:03 EDT

Germans are apparently complaining that they can't go on vacation to Turkey without the Russians coming down and spoiling everything with their "whores and vodka". Um, aren't whores and vodka pretty much the reason you would go on vacation to begin with? (thelocal.de; thumb and vodka gallery via assexyasitgets.com)

The poor fellow underneath the sheet here ...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 10:01:00 EDT

The poor fellow underneath the sheet here is not dead—he's merely being extracted from a rather delicate situation. And by that we mean his penis is being extracted from the steel bench that he tried to hump. Just so you know, if you're desperate to try a metal cock ring there are better ways to go about it. (weirdasianews.com)

Here's a tip for Craigslist casual encounters ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:20:28 EDT

Here's a tip for Craigslist casual encounters fans: If you're going to meet a stranger for some light bondage play, maybe do it in a nice quiet hotel room so, you know ... innocent bystanders don't think you are raping a bound-and-gagged kidnap victim in a public park. It makes it much harder to explain things to your wife later. (katu.com)

Cindy McCain Gone Wild?

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 11:05:00 EDT

John McCain told a crowd of tattooed bikers at the Sturgis motorcycle rally that his wife, Cindy, would make an excellent candidate for the local beauty pageant, Miss Buffalo Chip. What does he think her strongest event would be? The wet t-shirt contest or the pickle licking demonstration? If only we could pick all our First Ladies this way. (Click thumbnail for video.)

. . .

· Pickle Lickin' Contest (YouTube)
· McCain Suggests Wife Participate In Topless Contest (huffingtonpost.com)

Behold the "bullet-proof" police bra! OK, ...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:00:58 EDT

Behold the "bullet-proof" police bra! OK, so it's not really bulletproof—just specially designed to be worn with bulletproof vests. Still, we can't wait for our next strip search. (Those do work both ways, right?) (bbc.co.uk)

Latex Clothing Takes You Back To The Future Of Fetish

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 10:55:51 EDT

Using creative and visually stimulating marketing practices to sell your latex clothing is all the rage these days—but did you know that this practice has been around for years? Decades, even! A curious fetishist has uncovered an old catalog dating from (defunct?) Canadian fashion outlet Inn Skin, dating back to what looks like the late 1970s and shot in what looks like our parents' rec room. It's safe to say that the latex fetishist of that era may have found themselves severely disappointed in the styles of the time. A loose flowing latex bikini is probably not what they have in mind when you think of that fabric—but then again those full-length pajamas look mighty comfortable. Check out a few more pages below and you'll see the one thing that hasn't changed—flashy advertising and some hilariously dated pictures can sell anything!

. . .

· INN-SKIN: Latex Fashion from the 70'ties! (full catalog @ lustlovelatex.com)

Previously: Rubber 55: Latex Goes Viral

Existentialist bug fan Franz Kafka apparently ...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 10:33:00 EDT

Existentialist bug fan Franz Kafka apparently left behind a rather sizable collection of hardcore porn stories that “academics have pretended did not exist," because they don't want to sully the reputation of a sad, depressive whose sole preoccupation was the pain and futility of modern life. Not surprisingly, the smut is described as "dark" and "unpleasant" ... perhaps even Kafkaesque! (timesonline.co.uk)

If you're a police officer working undercover ...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 10:01:00 EDT

If you're a police officer working undercover on a prostitution sting, it's probably best if you don't have sex with a suspect multiple times before busting her. It just confuses everyone and makes your next massage really awkward. (beaumontenterprise.com; thumb via femdom-orgasm.com, via)