Fleshbot: Funny

A man in Brighton, England, has been given ...

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 11:13:32 EDT

A man in Brighton, England, has been given a restraining order and may not go with 100 yards of his girlfriend's apartment ... because they are too loud when they have sex and the neighbors can't take it anymore. Or maybe they're just jealous? (bbc.co.uk)

Having a bachelor party? You might want ...

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:45:07 EDT

Having a bachelor party? You might want to leave the kids at home. We know babies like boobs and all, but you want them to have something to look forward to when they grow up. (postyourgirls.com)

T. Rex is totally right: we do need a new ...

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 11:05:54 EDT

T. Rex is totally right: we do need a new analogy for sex. At the very least it will give professional sex writers a whole new way to talk about boning, banging, and doing the horizontal polka (though as far as we're concerned people don't talk about doing the horizontal polka enough.) (qwantz.com)

"The Best Hand Job In Town"

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:30:36 EDT

An Elgin, Illinois, car wash recently caused a bit of a kerfuffle by advertising their machine-free towel dry service as "the best hand job in town." Even more amusing than the hysterical reaction of the townsfolk—or that the local paper can't bring themselves to say the offending phrase—is the owner's defense that this is standard industry "lingo" and if you don't believe her then you morons should just Google it. Well, we didn't, so we did and you know what? She's right! So does that mean "hand job" is just a part of boring everyday business jargon ... or do all car wash owners simply have the same sick sense of humor? Check out our rogue's advertising gallery below and decide for yourself.

. . .

* * * * *

· Google Image Search for "best hand job in town" (google.com)
· Car wash promises best ' hand job ' in town (upi.com)
· Elgin car wash sign: Lewd or just lingo?
· Related: Car Wash Promises Best Hand Job

Guess what? Working in a porn store isn't ...

Fleshbot — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 12:55:19 EDT

Guess what? Working in a porn store isn't exactly a glamorous, teen-booty filled experience—it's actually a much more humdrum and occasionally surreal career than you might think it is, as this dispatch from the front makes abundantly clear. (Confidential to any European tourists stumbling upon this post: Bestiality porn is still illegal in the US as far as we know. So don't ask us where you can find any horse fucking videos either, k?) (popporn.com)

Sex With A Smile: Top Ten Funny Porn Clips

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:25:20 EDT

Some of you have been asking us lately whether porn can be funny. Well, we can at least tell you that it doesn't always have to be serious: whether the action involves cum shots gone wrong, amateur porn bloopers, or good old fashioned porn "acting," the line between sexy and funny is sometimes very thin. Didn't that Freud guy say something about that very subject once? Okay, he probably didn't. But we think you'll at least get a chuckle out of the clips you'll find after the jump ... or at least some other kind of spontaneous ejaculation.

. . .

Clumsy Girl on Webcam (megarotic.com)

(Funny) Kitchen Sex Goes VERY Wrong (megarotic.com)

Overflowing Cum (megarotic.com)

Pussy Shaker (megarotic.com)

funny surprice on sex .... must see ... lol (megarotic.com)

The perfect Wave (redtube.com)

Right in the Eyes! (shufuni.com)

Funny Fucking (megarotic.com)

Porno Blooper very funny (megarotic.com)

Funny Dub Decent Porn (megarotic.com)

Brandi Belle Will Not Be Ignored

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 14:55:21 EDT

Hey, buddy! We're sure that your World of Warcraft game is going really well back there, but sometimes it pays to stop and smell the roses once awhile. You know, turn off the computer, put down the joystick, go outside and get some fresh air. Or even better ... turn around for five seconds and pay attention to the pornstar getting fucked right ... behind ... you! Maybe Brandi Belle has sex on your couch every day, but for most of us that's a pretty rare occurrence. Don't let your porn life pass you by!

. . .

· Couple fuck in the same room as oblivious roommate (PornHub.com)
· Brandi Belle (brandibelle.com)

Finally, a summer superhero blockbuster that ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:55:49 EDT

Finally, a summer superhero blockbuster that we actually want to see! Just don't tell us how it ends, k? (marklisanti.tumblr.com - thanks Blakeley)

Spice Up Your Sex Life The Cosmo Way

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:20:18 EDT

Have things gotten dull and boring in the bedroom? Are you looking for a way to spice things up? If booking a night at a fancy hotel is a bit out of your budget and having a threeway seems a little too risky, you could always play it cheap and safe and pick up one of those cute little sex books that promise to ramp up the heat in your sex life. You know, like the ones that Cosmopolitan magazine is always putting out.

We recently received a sexy package here at Fleshbot HQ containing "The Cosmo Kama Sutra," "Cosmo's Naughty Notes," and "Cosmo's Steamy Sex Games." Did they get the home fires burning? We'll let you be the judge.

. . .

The Cosmo Kama Sutra
The classic Kama Sutra is seriously old, so clearly it's in need of an update. And who better to provide one than the editors of Cosmo? This pretty little volume (with a pink cover, of course) takes 77 sex positions and updates them for the Cosmo girl, with sexy new names (Straddle His Saddle, anyone?) and erotic instructions to explain the ins and outs of every position. Find out which is "the ultimate girl power" position and which will increase your chances of simultaneous orgasm!

Cosmo's Naughty Notes
They say actions speak louder than words, and we think the action of leaving a note full of sexy words speaks loudest of all. Really, what better way to get your man's engine burning than by leaving him a note that says "No Shirt! No Shoes! Full Service!" (Alternately, we've found that these notes are a really great way to tease and harrass coworkers. If only the adhesive backing actually kept the note stuck to something for more than five seconds.)

Cosmo's Steamy Sex Games
The crown jewel in the Cosmo sexgamiverse, this stack of 118 laminated "erotic cards" gives couples the chance to play 12 different dirty games. From A Night Of Naughty Adventure to The Call Of The Wild (more or less an ad for the "Cosmo Kama Sutra"), there's all kinds of ways to bring odd props and awkward moves into the bedroom — and hey, some of them might even be hot!

Surely, there's someone out there who will benefit greatly from these Cosmo tips and tricks. But frankly, when we feel the urge to spice things up, we'll be sticking with things like rimmed gapes and dirtpipe milkshakes. We're just old fashioned that way.

· Books By Cosmo Editors (cosmopolitan.com)

ThingyNames: Where Hector Cruz Meets Notorious V.A.G.

Fleshbot — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 12:20:34 EDT

Most of us here at Fleshbot were lucky enough to be raised by progressive, modern parents who never taught us to refer to our various flavors of genitalia by any other names than the ones you'd find in a standard medical dictionary. So we always thought that terms like "John Thomas" or "cooter" were more than a little silly—though it turns out they pale in comparison to some of expressions you'll find on the fledgling ThingyNames.com, which was started by a husband and wife team who wanted to provide a "safe and anonymous place for couples to be able find out what people name their private parts". Of course, now that we write about sex and porn for a living we welcome as many synonyms for ween and ladyparts as we can find, which makes the site a potentially valuable thesaurus-type reference for sex bloggers as well. So if you see us talking about Jesse Santana's tralala or Joanna Angel's velvet underground in the future, you'll know why.

• ThingyNames.com (thingynames.com)

Flickr Foto Of The Day

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 13:15:01 EDT

Their advertising strategy might have changed over the years, but it's nice to know that you can still alwayshave it your way at Burger King. If you don't see it on the menu, just ask. (Flickr, via ponyxpress.wordpress.com)

When Playboy Shoots Go Wrong

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:30:32 EDT

Though it may seem that Playboy models are born fully formed from the head of Hugh Hefner, clad in lingerie and ready to take perfect shot after perfect shot, the truth is that even Playmates are all too human. And, as evidenced by this collection of Playboy bloopers, they're even capable of taking a bad photo every now and then! But then, who wants a perfect Playmate anyway? At least these gals have a sense of humor. (hotbox.thumblogger.com)

Flesh Flicks: Porn Imitates Life (Imitating Porn)

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:38:16 EDT

If we've learned anything today, it's that if you're a cable TV repairman and you get sent out on a call to a strange house, one of two things are going to happen. The 18-year-old daughter of the house will jump your bones or the snotty little brat son will punch you in the nuts. Either way, someone is touching your balls and they're probably doing it to get back at Daddy. It's almost eerie how similar the setups are on these two videos, and how much they resemble our other favorite fake cable guy porn, "Logjammin'" When real cable guys see this post and think about how this never seems to happen in real life, will they be jealous ... or relieved?

. . .

· "cable guy" (Megarotic)

. . .

· "cable guy" (Megarotic)

. . .

· "Logjammin'" (YouTube)

· Cable Guy Punched In The Nuts (tastybooze.com)

Best Of Craigslist

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 10:30:00 EDT

"Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it?" Then is the insanely elaborate Craiglist sex fantasy post for you! (craigslist.org, via nerve.com)

Former tough guy actor Sonny Landham, who ...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:15:38 EDT

Former tough guy actor Sonny Landham, who is running for ~~governor~~ Senate in Kentucky, had bit parts in several 1980s movies like "Poltergeist," "48 Hours" and "Predator" ... oh, and a few hardcore porn flicks earlier in his career too. He's not ashamed to admit it either, because that would still make him only the third weirdest member of the "Predator" cast to be elected governor of a U.S. state. (ap.google.com + rightpundits.com + sonnylandham.com)

If Hollywood Sex Scenes Were Real

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 10:01:18 EDT

Have you ever found yourself watching two of your favorite on-screen characters locked in a passionate embrace and wished that your own love life could be that perfect and beautiful? And then you remembered that sex is a dirty, complicated, and occasionally frightening experience and that even the smoothest, most romantic sexual romp you've ever had didn't turn out that good. Maybe it's time for a little honesty in our movie lovemaking? Or maybe not.

· Realistic Hollywood Sex Scene (collegehumor.com)

Directing Porn: A Pithy View

Gram Ponante — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 21:35:50 EDT

When we tell you that a comedy website created a video about directing porn movies, there are very few possible outcomes. But what we couldn't predict about Matty Kirsch's visit (in a pith helmet!) to the set of the not-very-overhyped "It Ain't the Partridge Family" was that star Nick Manning would come across as the only serious one in the group. Must have been an introspective day.

. . .

· "Directing Porn 101" (bushleague.tv)

Best Of Sex Advice: Reach Out And Touch Someone

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:50:59 EDT

We know that it's tough to ask for help. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem, and that you need the assistance of others to resolve it. And it can be embarrassing and painful to confess to a shortcoming, but when you do—when you learn to trust and then rely on your fellow man—that's when you make a true human connection. On the other hand, when you seek sexual guidance by joining a site called the "Large Penis Support Group" ... well, then you're just showing off. (Or being delusional. Take your pick.)

- - -

· Help Me Heather (gurl.com)

For some reason, I find it sexually pleasing to have my bladder pressed on, or to just have a slightly full bladder in general. I have been doing it since I was about eight, and it never seemed weird until I actually thought about it. I have never told anyone—and even lied to cover it up. Recently, I've worried it might be a fetish. Is it a fetish, and if it is, should I do something about it?

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· The Pucker Up Forums (puckerup.com)

I am a little worried about my man slave. I have noticed that he likes to play with his ass on the occasion and i am not sure if he knows that i seen him do it. Does that mean he's gay and if not then how do i approach him on maybe letting me play with his ass in sexual play. maybe he's into it and is affraid to do it because he will think that i will think he is gay. I wouldn't but i want him to be completely sexually satisfied . I would love to play with his ass i hear that is a big hot zone for men and they just don't know it. I want him to be completely unleashed. How can i get my man slave to let me didle with his ass?.

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· Talk Sex With Sue Johanson (talksexwithsue.com)

I have a quick qustion what does pussy really smell like?

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· Female First (femalefirst.co.uk)

I have been with my boyfriend for 15 years and love him to bits wehave a good sex life but for the past 2 years he gas tied me up whilst i am asleep, at first i loved it, but lately ive experienced new things, mainly a straight jacket suit, i am a heavy sleeper so dont notice him slipping me into the jacket. last month i woke up totaly trapped and blind folded.. at first all good but he left me for 34 hours, i lost it and panicked.
i worried that one day he will leave me ied up

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· Jersey Girls (providencedailydose.com)

Once upon a recent drunken night I went home with a former fuck buddy. Ever since, I’ve been getting booty texts/calls from him – but only at 3 am when I’m sleeping! Don’t get me wrong – I’m totally DTF but I’m not sure what to do. Should I text back the next morning? Should I not say anything at all? Ladies, what’s the proper etiquette for a situation like mine?

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· Sex-Project (sex-project.com)

i've read some postings about sucking your own dick and i was able to do this about a year ago
and now i can only get about 2 inches away and i was wondering how long i took some of you to
reach your goal.

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· Large Penis Support Group (lpsg.org)

Would other guys on here let another man masturbate them? This question is more aimed at guys who are not 100% gay. Would a guy who is, say, 100% straight, or there abouts, let another guy wank him if he didn't have to do anything in return?

I've no real experience with other men, but I've often wondered what it would be like to wank another guy.

- - -

· Savage Love (thestranger.com)

A few months before I graduated, a friend revealed that she had been lusting after me, and wanted to hook up. The trouble was that she's in a long-term relationship. She didn't see this as a problem—she was willing to cheat—but I didn't want to be a part of that, and turned her down. She then played some games and got me to kiss her when I was drunk, and later flat-out propositioned me (again while I was drunk), and I refused again. Then we graduated and moved hundreds of miles away from each other, which I expected would be the end of it.

Now, though, a month later, she wrote to tell me that she's "not over" me. Was I right to turn her down, or should I, as she argued, let her make her own mistakes? Should I let her boyfriend (and likely fiancé) know about any of this?

* * * * *

Previously: Best of Sex Advice Archive

Sure, you've got a giant penis—but ...

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:55:30 EDT

Sure, you've got a giant penis—but how are you supposed to let everyone know about it? Just leave a bottle of "Penis Reduction Pills" lying around the house and let the label spread the word for you! Don't worry, though—they're just sugar pills, so your massively unwieldy schlong won't be going anywhere. (penisreductionpills.com, via yesbutnobutyes.com; thumbnail via Pornstars Like It Big)

"Eveready Harton" And The Birth Of Cartoon Smut

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 10:52:31 EDT

People are always asking if we know where to find the world's first porn movie or the world's first nude model or the name of the caveman who invented jerking off. Obviously, we are much too young and spry to be able to recall such ancient history, but there are folks out there who know where to find such hidden gems. These intrepid internet explorers have tracked down what is believed to be the first pornographic cartoon, "Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure." Made in the 1920s by (allegedly) the same animators who created family favorites for Max Fleischer and Walt Disney, it's the heartwarming tale of a man and his giant penis just looking for a little satisfaction in a harsh and cruel world. Who says cartoons are just childish fun?

· Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure, One of the First Pornographic Cartoons Ever Made (panopticist.com)

The Sexiest "Toe Jam" You Will Ever See

Fleshbot — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 11:50:47 EDT

Like you, we find few things more frustrating than those heavy black censorship bars more prudish media outlets than ours utilize to obscure even the merest hint of boob, pube, or peen. And like (most of) you, we find few things more sexually unappetizing than toe jam. Combine the two, however, and you have few things more delightful than this cheeky new video by Brighton Port Authority, a collaboration between Fat Boy Slim, David Byrne and Dizzee Rascal. Funny how these things work out, isn't it? (And if by chance you were bought here via a Google search for "toe jam porn" ... well, we guess we'll do our best to find you some of that too sometime. We aim to please everyone around here.)

. . .

THE BPA 'TOE JAM' FEAT. DAVID BYRNE & DIZZEE RASCAL

· Brighton Port Authority - Toe Jam (vids.myspace.com - thx Carlos)

Best Of Sex Advice: How Does This Thing Work Again?

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:30:25 EDT

So what have you been up to lately? Our Best of Sex Advice roundup took the a couple of months off to visit some kind of swinger's resort in the Caribbean and is now being mysteriously quiet about the details. We've been saving up lots of questions in the meantime, however, and now it's finally ready to answer some of them. As usual, they generally revolve around the one pressing theme that seems to be a mainstay of sex advice columnists everywhere: "How do I get hot people to do filthy things to me?" Of course if anyone ever truly answers that question, we'll all be out of a job. But until that day arrives, we'll take whatever advice we can get.

- - -

· Savage Love (thestranger.com)

I'm on a kick-ass coed Ultimate Frisbee team. We are all hot, drink tequila together, go naked hot-tubbing, and reward great plays with lap dances. And each of us is at least 10 percent gay. I want to take the team to the logical next level: an orgy. I brought up the subject at the last team meeting, but everyone thought it was a joke. Can you suggest a way to get a whole team to be GGG?

- - -

· The Pucker Up Forums (puckerup.com)

My wife recorded me using my new dildo on myself last night. Being on the receiving end, I know how great it felt. When we watched it , I was shocked that I took it, like I did. Maybe things look bigger on video, but I couldn't even believe that it was me that was taking a dildo in my ass like that.

- - -

· Talk Sex With Sue Johanson (talksexwithsue.com)

My boyfriend discovered that if he uses a small amount of Cocaine and a bit of water with a .5 cc syringe that he can numb his penis, therefore lasting a great deal longer before ejaculating. When he does reach orgasm he says its the strongest he's ever had and feels like he has way more ejaculate to unload than normal which he says feels great. Is this safe for him to do?

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· In & Out (timeout.com/chicago)

I'm an early-50s man who has recently gotten into urethral play. When I was a kid, I remember putting a small stick in there a few times, and that it felt good, but then one day it got all irritated...Assuming I am going to stick something in my urethra again (and I'm pretty sure I will—I am getting hard just thinking about it now), what's the best way to go about experimenting safely?

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· Stacey Grenrock Woods (esquire.com)

Why is it that when I kiss my lady's nipple, all of a sudden I get garlic breath?

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· Sex-Project (sex-project.com)

Whenever i matstubate and cum, it never really gets out it really a very small amount of cum and also it drips out of my penis... Im straight and sometimes jerk off with my friends together and they all shoot and also shoot alot... :??? Is there something wrong?

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· Ask Rachel and Claire (babeland.com)

How do I know when I have had a orgasm?

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· All Sex Advice (allsexadvice.com)

One of my girls bi friends told her some time ago that the best head she ever got was from another girl, and that no guy could ever do it as well. Something about how only a girl knows exactly what another girl wants. That's not true, is it? At least not ALWAYS true? If a guy and a girl both used the same techniques, they would both be great, right?

* * * * *

Previously: Best of Sex Advice Archive

Max "Bunny" Sparber is a man on a mission: ...

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:27:18 EDT

Max "Bunny" Sparber is a man on a mission: for the next year, he'll be writing one porn script every week, based on the most popular movie from the previous weekend. With "Iron Dong" and "Sex and the Titty" already under his belt, who knows what literary and artistic heights he'll ascend to next? (Though somehow we're thinking his adaptations of "Hancock", "Gonzo", and "American Teen" this summer are sort of going to write themselves.) (sparberfans.blogspot.com)

iPhone 3G: Best Porn Phone Ever?

Lux Alptraum — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:20:58 EDT

While our more geeky siblings may be excited about about the iPhone 3G's GPS capabilities and new applications, there's really only one thing that interests us about it: the faster download speeds, which of course means quicker access to porn. And it seems we're not the only ones who are looking forward to rubbing one out to BigSausagePizza.com with greater convenience during work hours, as you'll see in the video below. Really, what else were you going to use that fancy piece of equipment for anyway? Checking those spreadsheets on your Enterprise server? Please.

. . .

· iPhone 3G: Guided Tour from FOD Team and Seth (funnyordie.com)

Sexploitation Clip Of The Week: "A Taste Of Hot Lead"

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:03:57 EDT

Now this is how you do sexploitation: Violence! Murder! Co-eds—yes, co-eds—trapped alone with horny thugs! A gingerbread house stuffed with sex! (OK, maybe the gingerbread isn't necessary, but it definitely helps.) "A Taste Of Hot Lead" is like the perfect storm of 1960's cheesy hedonistic excess ... and in color no less! Where else will you find full-frontal lesbian nudity and point-blank gunshots to the head in one film? You have to watch this, so do what you're told ... and like it.

· "A Taste Of Hot Lead" (1969) (imdb.com)
· Clip courtesy of Bedazzled Blue (bedazzledblue.com)

Previously: Sexploitation Clip Archive

Coordinating a bukkake scene isn't easy: ...

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 13:10:48 EDT

Coordinating a bukkake scene isn't easy: you try getting five hundred men together to jizz on a girl's face sometime and see how it goes. But with these new proposed bukkake regulations, anyone can put together a bukkake scene with no muss and no fuss! Well, almost no muss. (thenaughtyamerican.com; thumbnail via here)

As if we needed another excuse to nurture ...

Fleshbot — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 11:45:50 EDT

As if we needed another excuse to nurture our shameful secret crush on Rachael Ray, along comes this long-lost audio clip from her days as a sex educator. (OK, we guess there might be the slight chance it's a fake—but hey, anyone who says things like "It's so big, I can barely get my fingers around it!" totally deserves to have their words taken out of context.) (YouTube - thanks Blakeley)

When Porn (Still) Isn't Porn

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 20 May 2008 11:55:56 EDT

Porn pictures that have been digitally enhanced into a state of glossy hyperrealistic perfection are nothing new—but what are we to make of porn pictures that are digitally enhanced to the point of not being pornographic anymore? We're not sure if the anonymous author of this blog lifted these creations from a certain thread at Something Awful a while back or created them him/herself, but as far as we're concerned they're still among the best things we've come across since lolpr0n. (And those examples which are not only Photoshopped and Painted beyond recognition but have lolpr0n captions too? Even better!

· ex-porn pictures (exporn.blogspot.com)

Previously: When Porn Isn't Porn, Unporn, Non Porn Zone, Porn Remixes, Porn, Not, SFW Porn

How To (Yet Again) Break Into The Porn Industry

Fleshbot — Thu, 15 May 2008 11:20:07 EDT

Because we still tend to receive emails from horny guys asking us how to break into the porn business no matter how much we ignore them, from now on we're considering just directing them to this informative video from the team at BushLeagueTV instead (even if we're not entirely sold on the idea that a moustache is necessary for success—this ain't 1978 anymore, you know). Sure, following a few simple steps might not get you a starring role opposite the likes of Alana Evans, Aurora Snow, or Teagan right off the bat ... but everyone has to start somewhere, right?

. . .

· BushLeague 101 - How to Break into the Porn Industry

World's Greatest Porn Video Game Comes To Life

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:14:44 EDT

A couple weeks ago, we brought you the heartwarming tale of fake TV actor Tracey Jordan and his quest to create the ultimate porn video game. (Working title: "Gorgasm: The Legend of Dongslayer") We're happy to tell you that the dream is still alive, and the season finale of "30 Rock" brought us some crucial behind the scenes footage of the making of this animated classic. Like all good porn, convincing actors are the key and this fantasy adventure is relying on the seductive pipes of Jane Krakowski. Are her orgasms authentic enough to fool even the most hardcore gamer? Only the magical sex elves know for sure.

· "30 Rock" (full episode @ hulu.com)

* * * * *

Previously: "The Uncanny Valley": Why Porn Video Games Suck

TV Reporter Clearly Did Not Order These "Girls Gone Wild" Videos

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:40:23 EDT

We've all been there before: it's late at night, you're home alone, maybe you've had a few drinks ... and then those commercials start. You know the ones, for those DVDs featuring saucy young girls doing inappropriate things in the back of a bus? So you call the number, give them your credit card info, and then fall asleep and forget about it. But what do you do when the discs actually start showing up at your house? You take your ~~alibi~~ case to the American people! You see, there has obviously been some sort of mistake here, because who would ever do such a thing as order these tawdry exploitative DVDs? We will get the bottom of this!

· Inside Edition (insideedition.com)
· "Inside Edition Reporter Creates The Most Elaborate Denial Of Late Night Porn-Ordering Ever" (bestweekever.tv)

And because it's the Kentucky Derby this ...

Fleshbot — Fri, 02 May 2008 12:40:08 EDT

And because it's the Kentucky Derby this weekend as well, celebrate with this list of the dirtiest and weirdest horse names ever; you'd be surprised how many sound like bad porn movie titles. Come to think of it, though, we would pay more attention to equestrian events if something named Bodacious Tatas was in the running! (faniq.com - thanks IR)

Great Moments In Porn: Snake Vs. Snake

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:38:42 EDT

There are many things wrong with this setup from a long-forgotten porn compilation called "Pussy Beat 2" (the proudly Canadian Brandon Iron welcoming a still-brunette Anita Dark to America while wearing a Canada t-shirt being one of them), but we do give them a lot of credit for not making the obvious "trouser snake" joke. OK, they do make that joke, but not in the completely obvious way. Click to see the shocking surprise twist will have you on the edge of your seat ... although it's possible you'll just be looking for the fast forward button.

· Worst Porn Intro Ever (or the best?) (funnyordie.com)
·"Pussy Beat 2" (VHS [!] info @ excaliburfilms.com)

"The Uncanny Valley": Why Porn Video Games Suck

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:15:23 EDT

As readers of this site know all too well, there have been many, many, many attempts to meld interactive video games with hardcore porn, and despite the occasional interesting result it's been pretty much a total failure. Why is this such an impossible task? (Besides a lack of money, creativity and raw computing power?) It has to do with a little rule of animation and robotics known as the "Uncanny Valley." What is that exactly? Well, last week's episode of "30 Rock" provided the clearest, most succinct explanation of the concept that we've heard yet—by breaking it down into a "Star Wars" metaphor, of course. See why your dream of fighting off an alien invasion while boning 3-D Hillary Scott clones is never meant to be.

· 30 Rock (full episode @ hulu.com)
· Uncanny Valley (Wikipedia)

If HD porn is a little too high definition ...

Lux Alptraum — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 12:20:01 EDT

If HD porn is a little too high definition for you, some good old-fashioned low-res naked celebrity smut might be just what you're looking for. We could've done without seeing Paris Hilton without her clothes on again, but wow ... Penelope Cruz' nipples sure are a lot squarer than we thought they were! (pixlporn.com)

Penis For Passover: The Fifth Question?

Fleshbot — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 09:40:47 EDT

Every time a Jewish holiday rolls around we here at Fleshbot find ourselves asking the same question: why isn't there more decent kosher smut out there? (And no, "anything starring Ron Jeremy" doesn't count). Turns out, though, that that wasn't the most important question we should have been asking: join ace reporter Misha Rosenberg as she uses more bad penis puns than you ever thought possible to find out whether certain things really are allowed to rise during Passover. You don't have to be Jewish to get the joke ... but it couldn't hurt!

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· "Penis For Passover" (iklipz.com - thanks E.)

Brooke Marks Shows You How To Make Your Webcam Dance More Interesting

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:30:47 EDT

As much as we love them, no one can deny that webcam dance videos can get awfully formulaic: start with a girl, put some underwear on her, add a Britney or Avril soundtrack, have her jump around a bit, and repeat. Too bad more aspiring interweb superstars aren't taking more tips and tricks from Brooke Marks (she of the Victoria's Secret Drinking Game fame and her helpful how-to video from last year ... even if we think you'll probably want to save that Scientology dance for those special friends. (YouTube, via The Sex Carnival + BrookeMarks.com)

Who Will Survive "MILF Island"?

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:55:39 EDT

Last night, America was glued to its televisions for the season finale of everybody's favorite reality survival show, "MILF Island". (OK, so you actually had to watch the return of "30 Rock" to find out what happens when you put 20 hot mommies and 50 eighth-grade boys on a deserted island with no rules. but it was still exciting.) Who will survive the gauntlet at Erection Cove? And who will be forced to hang up her bikini top while someone else is crowned queen of all the moms that young men want to ... you know? You'll just have to tune in and find out.

· MILF Island: 30 Rock (watch the whole episode @ hulu.com)
· MILF Island T-Shirt (nbcuniversalstore.com)

Porn's Greatest Acting Moments: Because Everyone Loves Thespians

Fleshbot — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:02:39 EDT

While we disagree with their assertion that it's impossible to be good at both acting and sex (though it's way too early in the week for us to try coming up with an example to refute it), we have to hand it to the folks at Uber for devoting their latest top ten video extravaganza to the Greatest Acting Performances In Porn History: not only did they manage to find (or sneak) a bunch of porn clips on YouTube, they also managed to narrow their selection down to only ten. Surely that deserves some sort of Special Achievement award in itself.

· The 10 Greatest Acting Performances In Porn History (unibrow.uber.com)
· Above: Viv Thomas' "Single White Female Seeks ..." @ YouTube

What was the cruelest April Fool's prank ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 13:52:39 EDT

What was the cruelest April Fool's prank of all? Trying to make people believe that there's a secret sex tape starring delightful singing rumpshaker Shakira in a threeway. Some things are just too important to make jokes about, people. (radaronline.com)