Fleshbot: Found

Vintage (And Not-So-Vintage) Catfight Girls On YouTube

Fleshbot — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 11:50:11 EDT

You kids today, you think you invented everything. The rusty trombones! The dirt pipe smoothies and the ass milkshakes, or whatever you're drinking in those hipster cocktail lounges these days! And what about hot girl-on-girl catfights? You think that no one ever filmed a crisp slap to the cheek or some down-and-dirty apartment wrestling before those newfangled camcorder thingamajiggies came along? Well, YouTube user girlfitewiz is here to set you straight: you'll find dozens of vintage and brand spanking new female wrestling and catfight clips via his (?) profile page, and thousands more on the free Ultimate Female Fighting Links groups that several of the clips will point you to. Sure, those early Hollywood and stag reel-type clips might seem a little tame by today's standards. But hey, even all that modern dirt pipe milkshake action had to start somewhere.

. . .

• girlfitewiz's YouTube profile (youtube.com)
• See also: Ultimate Female Fighting Links (Yahoo! groups; free registation required)

Mygazines: Why Buy The Book When You Get The Boobs For Free?

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 12:20:32 EDT

Mygazines is a new website from the folks who brought you The Pirate Bay where anyone can upload magazine scans to share and trade, and it also has a neato interface that makes it easy to read magazines online. But because it's a completely free site, they probably don't allow you to upload dirty spank mags into their squeaky-clean database—right? Wrong! Not only do they have lad mags like Maxim, you'll also find titles like Playboy, Penthouse, and even the positively filthy stuff like Club and High Society. (And you can even read those super fun phone sex ads on the back page—apparently, everything is fair game in world of illegal offshore copyright infringement!)

Oh, one more thing ... did we also mention that magazine publishers will stop at nothing to shut them down? So enjoy the free smut while you can, because once Condé Nast and Time Warner call up the National Guard to invade Sweden, this could all be a happy memory.

· "New magazine-sharing site escapes copyright laws abroad" (yahoo.com, via High on Sex)
· Mygazines (mygazines.com)

Not content with LOLcats—or LOLporn, ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:35:10 EDT

Not content with LOLcats—or LOLporn, for that matter—the folks at "I Can Has Cheezburger" have launched a funny Engrish site and what do you know ... pretty much all Japanese-to-English translations end up sounding hilariously filthy. Yes, that sign is offering cunt examinations. And yes, we are easily amused. (engrishfunny.com)

There appear to be some irregularities with ...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 09:29:49 EDT

There appear to be some irregularities with this wet t-shirt contest due to the fact that most of the contestants are no longer wearing t-shirts. We'll go ahead and say it—all this cheating in the Olympics has really gotten out of hand. (hornybin.com, via blography)

So yeah, that article in the New York Times ...

Fleshbot — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:25:44 EDT

So yeah, that article in the New York Times today about hot Olympic bodies? In addition to all the eye candy, it turns out it's the first time the Grey Lady has printed the word "XTube" as well (and no, that online mention in a Freakonomics column a few months ago doesn't count). We're still waiting for them to use the terms "bulgewatch", "ass smoothie", and "dirt pipe milkshake" ... but for now we'll take what we can get. Baby steps, y'all! (erikmaza.tumblr.com)

Japanese Porn Covers Reveal The Fetishes That Cannot Be Spoken

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:30:30 EDT

A big part of what gives Japanese porn its WTF factor is that most native English speakers can't even being to translate the language. It's a thin line between a simple schoolgirl fantasy and an unintelligible cosplay orgy, and a few hours at your local karaoke bar won't be enough education to clue you in. So while this blog we've stumbled across seems to be a simple catalog of DVD releases complete with front and back cover art and screenshots, it won't take you long to feel like you're in over your head at some insane Tokyo fetish club. Then again, something like this would be confusing in pretty much any dialect.

· Japanese Porn DVDs (obscenely.blog121.fc2.com, via Otomano)

"The Best Hand Job In Town"

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:30:36 EDT

An Elgin, Illinois, car wash recently caused a bit of a kerfuffle by advertising their machine-free towel dry service as "the best hand job in town." Even more amusing than the hysterical reaction of the townsfolk—or that the local paper can't bring themselves to say the offending phrase—is the owner's defense that this is standard industry "lingo" and if you don't believe her then you morons should just Google it. Well, we didn't, so we did and you know what? She's right! So does that mean "hand job" is just a part of boring everyday business jargon ... or do all car wash owners simply have the same sick sense of humor? Check out our rogue's advertising gallery below and decide for yourself.

. . .

* * * * *

· Google Image Search for "best hand job in town" (google.com)
· Car wash promises best ' hand job ' in town (upi.com)
· Elgin car wash sign: Lewd or just lingo?
· Related: Car Wash Promises Best Hand Job

Behold the "bullet-proof" police bra! OK, ...

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:00:58 EDT

Behold the "bullet-proof" police bra! OK, so it's not really bulletproof—just specially designed to be worn with bulletproof vests. Still, we can't wait for our next strip search. (Those do work both ways, right?) (bbc.co.uk)

Brandi Belle Will Not Be Ignored

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 14:55:21 EDT

Hey, buddy! We're sure that your World of Warcraft game is going really well back there, but sometimes it pays to stop and smell the roses once awhile. You know, turn off the computer, put down the joystick, go outside and get some fresh air. Or even better ... turn around for five seconds and pay attention to the pornstar getting fucked right ... behind ... you! Maybe Brandi Belle has sex on your couch every day, but for most of us that's a pretty rare occurrence. Don't let your porn life pass you by!

. . .

· Couple fuck in the same room as oblivious roommate (PornHub.com)
· Brandi Belle (brandibelle.com)

Whipspider Brings Tentacle Sex To Your Bedroom

Lux Alptraum — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:30:09 EDT

While you're trying to figure out that whole tentacle sex thing, you might consider doing a little at home research with the Tentacle dildo from Whipspider Rubberworks. It's not quite the same things as experiencing ... you know, real tentacles, but sometimes it's better to start off slow and work your way up where certain things are concerned. (whipspiderrubberworks.com, via notcot.org)

Dear Costco: Thanks so much for sending us ...

Fleshbot — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 11:50:08 EDT

Dear Costco: Thanks so much for sending us that promotional email this weekend letting us know that the Cummins Onan® P1700i Inverter is on sale. We'll try to pick one up for a future installment of our Marital Aid Test Kitchen as soon as we can. (Wait, it's not an industrial strength sex toy? We figured with that name and its general resemblance to one of these that it ... OK, never mind then.) (costco.ca - thanks Cory)

Most people go into porn hoping their parents ...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 11:15:00 EDT

Most people go into porn hoping their parents never find out, but Sindee Jennings' mom sure did ... her birth mom, that is, who gave her up for adoption 20 years ago and hasn't seen her since. But they're reunited now, thanks to her high-profile job. And they should have plenty to talk about at Thanksgiving this year. (thenaughtyamerican.com)

Revenge Of The Sexy Magazine Covers

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 11:40:03 EDT

Since we studied history at our liberal elitist college, we always enjoy looking through dusty archives for relics of bygone eras. We also learned where to find all the dirty Victorian picture books at the research library. Maybe that's where the folks at Xpozio went to find all those sexy old magazine covers they keep posting? We've linked to a couple of their galleries in the past, but the collection has exploded to include pretty much every Playboy cover in every international edition ever as well as most of the covers from the illustrious history of Penthouse, Hustler, High Society, Juggs (yes, Juggs) and other classic spank mags. So in how many different languages can you say "Pamela Anderson Naked"?

· Men's Magazine Covers (xpozio.com)

Flickr Foto Of The Day

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 13:15:01 EDT

Their advertising strategy might have changed over the years, but it's nice to know that you can still alwayshave it your way at Burger King. If you don't see it on the menu, just ask. (Flickr, via ponyxpress.wordpress.com)

Sandy Kane: The World's Worst Singing Stripper

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 12:47:14 EDT

People like to do crazy things to get attention—like competitive eating or growing a handlebar mustache or, ahem ... blogging. Or they can take their clothes off while singing their own made up novelty songs about hookers and blowjobs. Sandy Kane is sort of like a cross between Belle Starr, "Weird Al" Yankovic and that "Chocolate Rain" guy on YouTube. She's old (not that there's anything wrong with that), she has an awful voice, and she's possibly a racist ... but try watching this video of her version of "Gloria" without finding yourself mesmerized. We can't really judge her stripping abilities based on this, but the singing is definitely not going to help with the tips.

. . .

· "The World's Worst Stripper" (break.com)
· Sandy Kane on MySpace (myspace.com)
· Sandy Kane on the street (Flickr)

The Ballad Of Crystal And Jack, Or "The Longest Amateur Sex Tape Ever"

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:20:09 EDT

Ah, youth! The only problem with it, as they say, is that it's wasted on young horny people with nothing better to do than hang out around the house all day drinking, smoking and having sex. Take Crystal and Jack, or "Baby" and "Baby" as they usually refer to each other. They're just two crazy kids in love, and you will get to know more about them than you could have ever possibly hoped to in this 11-part video epic. Watch them cook dinner! Watch them drive around in their car! Listen to them talk! (Oh boy, do they talk.) And occasionally—in between long soliloquies about "the Houdini" and "skull dragging," whatever those things mean—they also have sex. It may not sound like it's worth sitting through a couple hours of footage for just a few amateur sex scenes, but these two chatterboxes are oddly compelling. Hypnotic, even. (Or maybe we're just entranced by Crystal's frequently exposed breasts, which you don't even have to turn up the volume for to appreciate.)

. . .

(Note: The full saga is below, with highlights of actual sex helpfully annotated by Intern Eve. Even we couldn't sit through the whole thing.)

See: minute 2:30-5:20

See: minute 7:30-8:20

See: minute 6:45-8:20

See: minute 7:30-8:30

See: minute 0:00-1:50

See: minute 5:00-6:00

. . .

All videos @ Megarotic

We know Christmas is still a ways away, and ...

Fleshbot — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:10:18 EDT

We know Christmas is still a ways away, and we know that someone else asked Santa for it first ... but how could we resist putting this megaboobed Japanese tentacle sex action figurine ensemble (sorry, we mean "love play unit" on our wish list too? We guess we could ask for it for our birthday instead. But 'Bots like us don't have birthdays. (frequentlyfelt.blogspot.com)

Meet Mr. Testis, the mascot of the San Fermin ...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:05:38 EDT

Meet Mr. Testis, the mascot of the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona, Spain. (You know, the one where all the people get trampled by wild animals in the streets.) Thanks to some excess baggage he's carrying, however, at least this is one bull you'll be able to outrun. (Click for video.)

. . .

· "Mr. Testis" (YouTube via machochip.com)

If you're like us, you were probably raised ...

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 11:30:00 EDT

If you're like us, you were probably raised on a steady diet of "Dynasty" reruns and an old VHS copy of "The Bitch." So that means you're probably also interested in seeing an old-timey photo gallery of a burlesque star teaching Joan Collins how to take her clothes off. It's sexy and educational! (Flickr, via Otomano)

Pervart: Art Made For, By and Of The Pervs

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 11:10:48 EDT

If you like art but are bored by paint-by-numbers flower vases and bowls of fruit and pretty pictures of pastures, then maybe you need something a little more, uh ... unique. (And preferably more dirty.) In that case, a blog called Pervart seems like a good place to start. That's how we found this Flickr gallery of remixed porno pictures made super adorable with the addition of things like Space Invaders and our little friend Gizmo. There's more fantastic finds after the jump, even if the site is in need of an update. Man (and woman) cannot live on porno pancakes alone.

. . .

SexBjayjay by GApe Art

Stag Party by Rachel Bradley (rachebradley.net)HO T s YRUP by mickyotooledoodles

· Pervart (pervart.net)
Previously: Design & Cum On Flickr

While we appreciate the great strides that ...

Fleshbot — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 11:50:37 EDT

While we appreciate the great strides that condom advertising has made over the past several years, we have to say that the image of a pig splooging suntan lotion all over a woman's bikini-clad back isn't exactly making us rush out to stock up on Trojans anytime soon. It is, however, reminding us that we haven't been to nearly enough beach bukkake parties this summer as we usually go to, so maybe it's not a total wash. (copyranter.blogspot.com)

We have to agree with our friends at Guanabee ...

Fleshbot — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:30:24 EDT

We have to agree with our friends at Guanabee that the new ads for Absolut should totally be referred to as “the female genitalia campaign". Then again, after a few shots of vodka everything starts to look like female genitalia to us, so maybe we're not the best ones to weigh on on this whole subliminal advertising thing. (guanabee.com)

An online bookseller acquired a huge collection ...

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:05:07 EDT

An online bookseller acquired a huge collection of books for cheap, only to discover that (suprise!) many of them had been hollowed out and filled with porn; he's now trying to figure out what to do with all the nudie pix. Might we suggest donating them to us? We can always use some help filling in the holes in our library. (booksaga.blogspot.com, via kottke.org)

How To Succeed On eBay Without Even Trying To Show Off Your Boobs Because They're So Huge Anyway

Fleshbot — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 11:20:01 EDT

Hello there, mysterious headless eBay lady who goes by the handle chantelley1981. We're very happy to see that you have an impressive 99.3% positive feedback rating from your satisfied customers, though we have to admit that figure strikes us as a little high: do you mean to tell us that you've sold all that clothing and not once has anyone complained that the top you sent them was all stretched out in the chest area? (Or wait—maybe that's where that 0.7% negative feedback came from. Some people are just too picky.) (eBay - thanks Lucas)

We Heart Claudette (And You Will Too)

Fleshbot — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:10:15 EDT

Even if she hadn't festooned her Flickr profile and photostream with all those HTML-generated hearts (see? we know how to ♥make them too♥!), we'd still have a lot of love for 21-year-old Buenos Aires-based model and photographer Claudette, who from the looks of things has as much talent at things like lighting and composition as she does managing to get just the right angle to show off her perfect bikini-, thong-, and baby oil-covered ass to best advantage. While she explains that they're not revealing or explicit enough to be considered porn, her photos are certainly hot enough for us to hope that book she's working on is going to be printed on drool-proof paper; we might have to order two copies when it comes out just to be safe. Really, what's not to ♥?

· ♥Claudette Psico♥'s Photoset @ Flickr (flickr.com - thanks Matthew)

"Eveready Harton" And The Birth Of Cartoon Smut

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 10:52:31 EDT

People are always asking if we know where to find the world's first porn movie or the world's first nude model or the name of the caveman who invented jerking off. Obviously, we are much too young and spry to be able to recall such ancient history, but there are folks out there who know where to find such hidden gems. These intrepid internet explorers have tracked down what is believed to be the first pornographic cartoon, "Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure." Made in the 1920s by (allegedly) the same animators who created family favorites for Max Fleischer and Walt Disney, it's the heartwarming tale of a man and his giant penis just looking for a little satisfaction in a harsh and cruel world. Who says cartoons are just childish fun?

· Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure, One of the First Pornographic Cartoons Ever Made (panopticist.com)

With Love From The Cheeto Fucker

Dashiell Bennett — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 11:45:50 EDT

Here's a conversation you might find yourself having later today:

"So have you seen that nine-minute video of the guy fucking a giant Cheeto that's made out of a bunch of little Cheetos?"

"OMG, yes! What was that all about?"

"I don't know. The internet is weird."

Yeah, we don't get it either. But to be fair, he's not really fucking the Cheeto so much as he's making sweet, sweet love to it. It's kind of romantic, actually. Even if it is completely and totally out-of-this-world insane.

. . .

· I LOVE YOU CHEETOS (YouTube, via uniquedaily.com)

We don't get to say this too often, but ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 14:10:21 EDT

We don't get to say this too often, but uh ... we have never seen anything like this before. That's right—it's salmon hentai! (That's "erotic" comic stories of salmon spawning, in case you don't understand Japanese or something.) So does this mean we've covered every base yet? (aprilwinchell.com)

Japanese Ecto Porn Makes Us All Sticky

Fleshbot — Thu, 29 May 2008 12:40:08 EDT

Since we've seen Japanese porn babes getting busy over the years with everything from cephalopods to tiny little men to ... er, more invertebrates, we're not surprised to learn that there are still things out there that we haven't seen them fetishizing (hey, it's a big world). It's hard to determine, however, exactly what it is being fetishized in this line of DVDs by Japanese production company Opera, which are sort of like your standard wet and messy fetish videos except the stuff is clear and stickier; our friends at Thighs Wide Shut decided to call it "ecto porn", and that's good enough for us.

There seems to be relatively little by way of actual sex or penetration in some of the titles, and the models aren't even always as naked as you'd expect they would be in a porn movie. All of them, however, are full of hapless maidens covered head to toe in plenty of sticky, gloopy goodness ... and we're sure all you ecto porn fans out there wouldn't want it any other way. Whoever you are.

· OPERA (Ecto Porn DVDs) (av-opera.jp, via thighswideshut.org)

· See also: Ectoplasm (Wikipedia)
· Animal Collective, "Peacebone" (YouTube)

They Love Naked Girls; We're Merely Lukewarm

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 27 May 2008 10:00:50 EDT

Do you love naked girls? What a coincidence—so do we! (Really, who doesn't?) Unfortunately for all of us naked girl lovers, however, the people who snapped up the rights to the juicy domain WeLoveNakedGirls.com aren't exactly showing their love the same way we would: instead of an affectionate tribute to the beauty of the female form all they offer is a bunch of allegedly user-submitted shots of random babes (not all of whom are even naked) culled from various personals sites along with some pretty sneaky click-through ads for an adult dating site. Then again, at least some of the girls are naked. Maybe we should try to look on the positive side?

· We Love Naked Girls (welovenakedgirls.com)

When he's not taking pictures of naked models ...

Fleshbot — Tue, 20 May 2008 12:10:44 EDT

When he's not taking pictures of naked models in bed, Mario Sorrento is taking pictures of naked models on beach chairs: apparently it's an ad for some brand of Brazilian hooch, but we've been staring at it for half an hour now and we're still too distracted to find the bottle. (wwd.com - thanks RE)

When Porn (Still) Isn't Porn

Lux Alptraum — Tue, 20 May 2008 11:55:56 EDT

Porn pictures that have been digitally enhanced into a state of glossy hyperrealistic perfection are nothing new—but what are we to make of porn pictures that are digitally enhanced to the point of not being pornographic anymore? We're not sure if the anonymous author of this blog lifted these creations from a certain thread at Something Awful a while back or created them him/herself, but as far as we're concerned they're still among the best things we've come across since lolpr0n. (And those examples which are not only Photoshopped and Painted beyond recognition but have lolpr0n captions too? Even better!

· ex-porn pictures (exporn.blogspot.com)

Previously: When Porn Isn't Porn, Unporn, Non Porn Zone, Porn Remixes, Porn, Not, SFW Porn

Not being particular fans of women's basketball, ...

Fleshbot — Fri, 16 May 2008 12:22:51 EDT

Not being particular fans of women's basketball, we don't know (or care) whether these photos are in fact ones of a member of the Niagra University women's basketball team. We do know, however, that they're naked pics of a pretty hot amateur babe who happens to have some basketball posters displayed on the walls in her room ... and that's good enough for us. (donchavez.com/blog; view uncensored photos here)

And in domestic surveillance news this week... ...

Lux Alptraum — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:40:14 EDT

And in domestic surveillance news this week... be careful where you flash your tits, because Google Maps is watching. (Actually we'll be watching too, but you don't have to worry about us archiving your boobs in our database for posterity. Unless they're really nice boobs.) (Gawker)

25 Things To Help Dirty Your Home

Fleshbot — Thu, 15 May 2008 12:20:26 EDT

The design connoisseurs at Crib Candy present a collection of 25 pieces of "furniture, decoration and accessories that will send the right message when you bring someone back to your crib" (i.e., "I am flush enough to be able to afford over a thousand dollars on a custom built mahogany and bamboo silk sex chair, and therefore you should boink me.") Of course, we here at Fleshbot Central are already up to our dirtpipes in sexy design books, bug porn, and infidelity kits ... but if anyone wants to pick us up some public sex-themed planters or a set of boobshelves, we couldn't think of a more appropriate hostess gift the next time you come visit.

· "25 sexy times at home" (cribcandy.com - thanks Sturtle)

The Nipple Gauge: Getting Our Faces Slapped Has Never Been Easier!

Violet Blue — Mon, 12 May 2008 11:10:44 EDT

While the sales copy promises us that "Getting her top off has never been easier!" we think that stopping a pretty girl on the street and asking to see whether her nipples are "Needle Nips" or "Cigarette Butts" is probably only a good idea if you (a) like to get kicked in the nuts a lot, or (b) enjoy that special feeling of being arrested for harassment. Still it's hard not to giggle at The Nipple Gauge, a titty-tip sizer that can be yours for a mere $6.95 and has not ever been Seen On TV&trade. The site's got some amusing amateur GGW-style pics and videos of boob-measuring at—you guessed it—Mardi Gras, once again proving that drunken coeds and boob flashing are like fine wine and good company: two great tastes that go great together, and ones that are always rewarding on their own merits.

· The Nipple Gauge (nipplegauge.com)

True to the suspiciously press release-y ...

Fleshbot — Wed, 07 May 2008 11:30:22 EDT

True to the suspiciously press release-y sounding tip we received this morning, Parisian fashion label Locher's frilly feminine tops might look all innocent and girly until you get closer and notice that fancy embroidery says things like "Fucked In The Head", "Will Fuck For Shoes", and "I ♥ Porn". Which only "those that read" instead of those who just stare at boobs will appreciate, of course. (There are still a few folks like that out there. right?) (lochers.com - thanks C.)

Fun With Photoshop's "Remove Nipple" Tool

Dashiell Bennett — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:10:14 EDT

There's something not right about this lingerie model, but we can't quite put our finger on it. Don't tell us—it's right on the tip of our tongue! (kroppsnara.se, via PhotoshopDisasters)

Stumped for what to get your mom for Mother's ...

Fleshbot — Mon, 05 May 2008 11:50:21 EDT

Stumped for what to get your mom for Mother's Day this coming weekend? Yahoo came up with an idea which we hadn't considered before ... and don't particularly want to, either. Guess we'll just stick with that FTD floral bouquet after all, thank you. (Click for photo - thanks Doug)

The Teeny Weeny USB drive would the perfect ...

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:20:56 EDT

The Teeny Weeny USB drive would the perfect place to hide your porn if your porn collection didn't require more hard drive space than the Library of Congress. And you can save the jokes about "pulling out early," because they made that one already. (teenyweenydrive.com)