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wtf

Sandy Kane: The World's Worst Singing Stripper

People like to do crazy things to get attention—like competitive eating or growing a handlebar mustache or, ahem ... blogging. Or they can take their clothes off while singing their own made up novelty songs about hookers and blowjobs. Sandy Kane is sort of like a cross between Belle Starr, "Weird Al" Yankovic and that "Chocolate Rain" guy on YouTube. She's old (not that there's anything wrong with that), she has an awful voice, and she's possibly a racist ... but try watching this video of her version of "Gloria" without finding yourself mesmerized. We can't really judge her stripping abilities based on this, but the singing is definitely not going to help with the tips. More »

12:47 PM on Fri Jul 18 2008
By Dashiell Bennett
2,160 views, 1 comment

Latest by n/a: She's so awful. Every time O&A have her on their show, I die a little inside. She claims to have been raped by Phil Spector and has started doing the whole "naked cowboy" thing with a guitar on the street. more »

It's Like Millions Of Tiny Lavender Sachets, On Your Nuts Remember how Amazon used to sell CDs and books and not much else? Now they sell everything under the sun, like clothes and baby strollers and luggage and powder for your balls: "Balla Powder for Men is the ideal anti-chafing and anti-wetness solution for clammy sacks ... A fabulous post-workout treatment, Balla Powder for Men can also be used between your cheeks, as well as on fetid feet and aromatic armpits." Which all sounds (and smells!) pretty sweet, but what the hell is "bat wing" syndrome? (amazon.com, via BoingBoing)

5 comments

OMG: AMG On eBay! Over the weekend we found out that proto-homo photo studio Athletic Model Guild is now selling over 150 items from its archives on eBay. Among the goodies: an 8mm film reel entitled "Andy & Angry Mummy" and more vintage photos than you can shake your stick at. Start bidding now and you too may end up with a hot piece of homo history in your hands. (Just make sure those hands are clean. After all, we're talking history here.) (athleticmodelguild.com + eBay)

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amateur

The Ballad Of Crystal And Jack, Or "The Longest Amateur Sex Tape Ever"

Ah, youth! The only problem with it, as they say, is that it's wasted on young horny people with nothing better to do than hang out around the house all day drinking, smoking and having sex. Take Crystal and Jack, or "Baby" and "Baby" as they usually refer to each other. They're just two crazy kids in love, and you will get to know more about them than you could have ever possibly hoped to in this 11-part video epic. Watch them cook dinner! Watch them drive around in their car! Listen to them talk! (Oh boy, do they talk.) And occasionally—in between long soliloquies about "the Houdini" and "skull dragging," whatever those things mean—they also have sex. It may not sound like it's worth sitting through a couple hours of footage for just a few amateur sex scenes, but these two chatterboxes are oddly compelling. Hypnotic, even. (Or maybe we're just entranced by Crystal's frequently exposed breasts, which you don't even have to turn up the volume for to appreciate.) More »

1:20 PM on Fri Jul 11 2008
By Dashiell Bennett
43,914 views, 5 comments

Latest by DontFearTheReaper: Wow, What a concept!! Real normal people fucking and actually enjoying it and just living life. more »

We know Christmas is still a ways away, and we know that someone else asked Santa for it first ... but how could we resist putting this megaboobed Japanese tentacle sex action figurine ensemble (sorry, we mean "love play unit" on our wish list too? We guess we could ask for it for our birthday instead. But 'Bots like us don't have birthdays. (frequentlyfelt.blogspot.com)

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Meet Mr. Testis, the mascot of the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona, Spain. (You know, the one where all the people get trampled by wild animals in the streets.) Thanks to some excess baggage he's carrying, however, at least this is one bull you'll be able to outrun. (Click for video.)

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If you're like us, you were probably raised on a steady diet of "Dynasty" reruns and an old VHS copy of "The Bitch." So that means you're probably also interested in seeing an old-timey photo gallery of a burlesque star teaching Joan Collins how to take her clothes off. It's sexy and educational! (Flickr, via Otomano)

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art

Pervart: Art Made For, By and Of The Pervs

If you like art but are bored by paint-by-numbers flower vases and bowls of fruit and pretty pictures of pastures, then maybe you need something a little more, uh ... unique. (And preferably more dirty.) In that case, a blog called Pervart seems like a good place to start. That's how we found this Flickr gallery of remixed porno pictures made super adorable with the addition of things like Space Invaders and our little friend Gizmo. There's more fantastic finds after the jump, even if the site is in need of an update. Man (and woman) cannot live on porno pancakes alone. More »

11:10 AM on Thu Jul 10 2008
By Dashiell Bennett
2,276 views, 1 comment

Latest by n/a: let's avoid art that contains uber-fake boobies pwuease, but the addition of pancakes almost makes the picture passable more »

While we appreciate the great strides that condom advertising has made over the past several years, we have to say that the image of a pig splooging suntan lotion all over a woman's bikini-clad back isn't exactly making us rush out to stock up on Trojans anytime soon. It is, however, reminding us that we haven't been to nearly enough beach bukkake parties this summer as we usually go to, so maybe it's not a total wash. (copyranter.blogspot.com)

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We have to agree with our friends at Guanabee that the new ads for Absolut should totally be referred to as “the female genitalia campaign". Then again, after a few shots of vodka everything starts to look like female genitalia to us, so maybe we're not the best ones to weigh on on this whole subliminal advertising thing. (guanabee.com)

1 comment

bulgewatch

Poolside Patriotic Pret-A-Porter: Showing It Off In The Red, White, And Blue

In case you haven't consulted that sexy fireman/priest/dishwasher calendar lately, it's July already, folks, which can mean only one thing: exuberant displays of half-naked nationalism! Canadian readers got their dose on Tuesday, the French get theirs the week after next—and we, like the Baby Bears that we are, are just right in the middle. (Brits, for reasons still unclear, got their special day back in June. Which seems a little antisocial to us. Just sayin'!) In preparation for our staff trip to the beach pool lawn sprinkler, we looked high and low for skimpy swimwear to express our true Inner American. And what do you know? There's a heck of a lot of Old Glory-inspired beachwear out there than we ever would have imagined. (Or would ever wear ourselves, but that's another story.) More »

10:50 AM on Thu Jul 3 2008
By sturtle
3,884 views, 3 comments

Latest by GayhawkAZ: @charles_barrett: Thank GOD they didn't have Sasha Baron Cohen in any of those pics. What a horridly hirsute little man. He's neither funny nor talented, in or out of his Borat/Ali G/whatever other stereotype he plays. more »

An online bookseller acquired a huge collection of books for cheap, only to discover that (suprise!) many of them had been hollowed out and filled with porn; he's now trying to figure out what to do with all the nudie pix. Might we suggest donating them to us? We can always use some help filling in the holes in our library. (booksaga.blogspot.com, via kottke.org)

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How To Succeed On eBay Without Even Trying To Show Off Your Boobs Because They're So Huge Anyway Hello there, mysterious headless eBay lady who goes by the handle chantelley1981. We're very happy to see that you have an impressive 99.3% positive feedback rating from your satisfied customers, though we have to admit that figure strikes us as a little high: do you mean to tell us that you've sold all that clothing and not once has anyone complained that the top you sent them was all stretched out in the chest area? (Or wait—maybe that's where that 0.7% negative feedback came from. Some people are just too picky.) (eBay - thanks Lucas)

1 comment

amateur

We Heart Claudette (And You Will Too)


Even if she hadn't festooned her Flickr profile and photostream with all those HTML-generated hearts (see? we know how to ♥make them too♥!), we'd still have a lot of love for 21-year-old Buenos Aires-based model and photographer Claudette, who from the looks of things has as much talent at things like lighting and composition as she does managing to get just the right angle to show off her perfect bikini-, thong-, and baby oil-covered ass to best advantage. While she explains that they're not revealing or explicit enough to be considered porn, her photos are certainly hot enough for us to hope that book she's working on is going to be printed on drool-proof paper; we might have to order two copies when it comes out just to be safe. Really, what's not to ♥?

· ♥Claudette Psico♥'s Photoset @ Flickr (flickr.com - thanks Matthew)

12:10 PM on Tue Jun 17 2008
By Fleshbot
7,045 views, 1 comment

Latest by josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you: Alas, I remain without Flickr account -- would that mean, unflicked? unflucked? -- so I cannot share in the delights of Claudette Psico. But the samples on Fleshbot do bode well, for when I might finally see her. more »

animation

"Eveready Harton" And The Birth Of Cartoon Smut

People are always asking if we know where to find the world's first porn movie or the world's first nude model or the name of the caveman who invented jerking off. Obviously, we are much too young and spry to be able to recall such ancient history, but there are folks out there who know where to find such hidden gems. These intrepid internet explorers have tracked down what is believed to be the first pornographic cartoon, "Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure." Made in the 1920s by (allegedly) the same animators who created family favorites for Max Fleischer and Walt Disney, it's the heartwarming tale of a man and his giant penis just looking for a little satisfaction in a harsh and cruel world. Who says cartoons are just childish fun?

· Eveready Harton in Buried Treasure, One of the First Pornographic Cartoons Ever Made (panopticist.com)

10:52 AM on Tue Jun 17 2008
By Dashiell Bennett
1,978 views, Comment

seriously, wtf

With Love From The Cheeto Fucker

Here's a conversation you might find yourself having later today:

"So have you seen that nine-minute video of the guy fucking a giant Cheeto that's made out of a bunch of little Cheetos?"

"OMG, yes! What was that all about?"

"I don't know. The internet is weird."

Yeah, we don't get it either. But to be fair, he's not really fucking the Cheeto so much as he's making sweet, sweet love to it. It's kind of romantic, actually. Even if it is completely and totally out-of-this-world insane.

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11:45 AM on Mon Jun 16 2008
By Dashiell Bennett
4,411 views, 10 comments

We don't get to say this too often, but uh ... we have never seen anything like this before. That's right—it's salmon hentai! (That's "erotic" comic stories of salmon spawning, in case you don't understand Japanese or something.) So does this mean we've covered every base yet? (aprilwinchell.com)

2 comments

Today In Sexual Innuendo No, this is not the fossilized schlong of a long-dead woolly mammoth, nor the preserved remains of legendary super-schtupper John Holmes: ladies and gentlemen, is a mollusk. And according to people who know about such things, that's all it is. Maybe our minds are just stuck in the gutter, but we can't help but draw comparisons between this randy-looking bivalve and the numerous latex lookalikes that have cycled through our Marital Aid Test Kitchen; still, when we start fantasizing about clams, perhaps we've crossed some kind of line. (darkroastedblend.com, via BoingBoing)

3 comments

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