"Holy shit. Look at you."

That's the first thing out of the mouth of the director of Vivid's "Brand New Faces 10" when he sees Pharyn Sparxxx for the first time. Me, I was like "Holy shit; look at your name tag." Had she been the guy from those old Cheetos commercials, Ms. Sparxxx probably would not have got very far with that name but, as you will see, she'd look good even if her name was Asdjliklvf McNejfhkuedkued.

You're A Nation Of Proud Porn Consumers: "Liquid Gold 16"

Knowing Kylie Ireland as I do (she once prevented her dog from eating my Wheat Thins), one has confidence that her movie "Bitch And Moan 2" will not be some by the numbers effort featuring lesbians-'til-graduation pouting for the camera in fake alarm. Instead, she gets genuine surprise out of people like Roxy DeVille, Aiden Starr, and Eva Angelina as terrible, wonderful things are perpetrated on their persons.

Have you been to Brazil? You really should go. From the favelas on the hill to the gun battles on the street, everyone is ready for a sexy good time. If you book a ticket, bring me along and I will hold Isabella on my lap just in case there's some emergency.

Anyway, the allure of Brazil includes its juicy variety of people who will have sex with you, and it's always easy to shop for bathing suits for them because you can tell what their style is from their tan lines.

No, the delightful Ava Rose is neither dead, nor ailing, nor leaving the porn industry. But she and studio Adam & Eve, for whom she was a contract performer (along with Bree Olson and Kayden Kross), did decide not to renew their deal just as a spate of Ava Rose movies—including this one and the forthcoming "Rollerdollz"—was hitting the market. But I couldn't let Rose's homage to Jenny Fields go unnoticed in this unfortunate press vacuum. It would violate my "First, Do No Harm" oath.

The striking thing about Hustler's "Barely Legal Boot Camp" is that drill instructor Darryl Hanah looks positively sex-grizzled in comparison with the likes of recruits Kortni Kiss, Jayden Rose, Bailey Brooks, and Arianna Armani, all of whom tumble out of a van to be shrieked at by director/itinerant preacher Rod Fontana. We see a group of 18-year-olds perfectly suited to be stoop-shouldered and eye-rolling in the face of the porn narrative structure that some of them will never perfect.

The closest Meggan Malone comes to Lord Aslan in Homegrown Video's "The Chronicals {sic} of Hornia {not-sic}" is mentioning in her pre-flight interview that she just acquired "a baby kitten." And the only Christian allegory that can be found in this video featuring the then-future Vivid contract girl are—well, there are no Christian allegories. What a goddamn gyp. I expect all my porn to somehow relate to the crucifixion.

Ah, Paris! If for no other reason than to begin a review with "Ah, Paris!" did I watch this for lesbians/by lesbians movie, shot in dingy clubs with a spotlight and shot with sweaty abandon in apartments and elevators around the City of Light. Really a series of vignettes featuring some of the same people on one steamy night in Gay Paree, "One Night Stand" ("Pour Une Nuit)" was made in 2006 and just made its way via festivals and US distributor Fatale Media to my hands. Along the way it won "First Prize of the Lesbian Jury" at Berlin's inaugural porn film festival.

As was demonstrated by panelists at last year's Fleshbot Alpine Institute, 98.4 percent of porn DVD purchases are made on the basis of boxcover photos alone. So what do we learn about "It Takes Two #6"? Well, it is that hot-panted desert hookers still roam the earth, scenting the saguaro with their melon body spray and enticing the panamint chipmunk up their gym socks.

Pornic Voices: Harmony And Dirty Harry In "Tough Love 14"

"My wife hates hookers," laments Dirty Harry, Porn's Everyman, to the neo-Crumb Girl Harmony. "Especially ones who smoke."

Harry has just been informed by a workman that his repairs will not be ready in time for his wife to return, so Harry needs to take out his fear and frustration on Harmony.

"I paid for you," he says as Harmony gets uppity. "I can do whatever I want!"

"That's what my boobs look like on camera?" asks the delicious and volatile Penny Flame in the pleasantly disquieting "I Film Myself 7." "Holy crap." For a movie that makes the performer the cameraman and the scene partner the viewer, you'd expect the resulting effect to be more claustrophobic than it is, and the production value (yes, it still matters) to be awful. Yet these scenes makes us feel like we're fighting in some dusty place and our hot girlfriends just sent us a movie.

"It's part of the underground dungeon scene!" pipes the plummy voiceover of beloved pornstress Veronica Hart of "L.A.'s House of Sex And Domination," where people like Sasha Grey, Michelle Avanti, Kissy Kapri, Flower Tucci, and Audrey Hollander go to be sexed and, er, dominated.

There's something both oldschool Porn and late-nite cable in Hart's introductions (written by Naz and Ashley Blue), such as that of Sasha Grey ("No one has been able to tame her!"). But where a Skinemax movie would then trot out Nikki Fritz and a softcore rubdown would ensue, by the end of this scene Sasha Grey literally has clothespins coming out of her ass—and she's happy about it.

Kaylani Lei Increases Her Mileage In Wicked's "Carpool"

Looking like a postwar bride from a country I wish existed, Roxy Jezel has an assimilated tryst with Marco Banderas in the stylish "Pinup Perversions." Is he her husband? We don't know. Is she committing adultery on the kitchen floor of her suburban home of the future? We don't care. When a bouffed-up Aiden Starr comes by later and squirts her with a seltzer bottle, we can only wonder what Doris Kearns Goodwin would have made of this vision of American progress.

If this movie were named "Zaftig Elegance," I wouldn't feel so downright creepy about watching it. Instead this movie appeals to my prurient interest: I think of all the babysitters who line up at the hot dog stand by the minor league baseball field in Fleshbot West's Home Town. I think of the younger sisters (or worse, daughters) of the angular women who taught us SQL Server, and feel Ashamed. That the movie opens with sound effects of a crying infant and soothing lullaby bells also makes me wonder who the target audience is.

How do we know that Bob (Randy Spears) is a virgin and May (Carmen Hart) is a lonelyhearts spinster? Well, they both wear glasses. In Wicked's cable-ready takeoff of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," Bob and May learn to overcome their shyness, marry, and conceive in this uplifting, gauzy, and utterly non-threatening porn that made us wonder how Max Hardcore might have handled the same script.

Playboy's "Foursome", Round Two: Can You Read My Mind?

The original title of this post was "Porn or Outback Steakhouse Menu Item?". But upon watching this movie, filled with a "Taxi Driver"-load of revenge fantasies based on getting what's owed, we determined to give it our patented Highbrow Approach™ instead.