After a grueling twenty minutes spent trawling Usenet and the file sharing networks this morning, we managed to locate a copy of the entire Cameron Diaz "S&M video" (which we promptly deleted since it wasn't worth the hard drive space) - and in lieu of posting some blurry, watermarked screenshots (did we mention that Windows Media is a really crappy video format?), we thought we'd share the following observations to help you decide whether you want to investigate further:

1. Although she looks absolutely lovely (even while getting barked at by a photographer while wearing a pair of ill-fitting fishnets on the floor of a dusty garage), Cameron Diaz appears in approximately 2/3 of the video, and she's topless less than 1/3 of that time.

2. The video was taken during a softcore photoshoot in which Cameron and another female pretend to subjugate a male model in a loose-fitting loincloth with an assortment of chains. This consists mostly of tossing their hair, gritting their teeth, and pouting ferociously. You've seen better acting in the Paris Hilton video.

3. The entire dialogue of the video can be summed up in the following fifty word synopsis:

"OK, here we go. Attitude! Attitude! Attutude! Attitude! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Strut it baby! Strut it! Strut it! Strut it! Strut it! Go ahead! That's nice! 'Whoa, look how big they got!' Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

There. Hopefully we just saved you $39.95. Or at least twenty minutes of trawling around Usenet.

Previously: Cameron Diaz Video